is over, and that quite obviously means it’s time to rank the most aesthetically pleasing names of all those who were selected over an interminable span of 40 rounds.
Yes, we have done the yeoman’s work of giving expert and thorough consideration to the entire database of 1,217 names in order to determine the 20 most soaring names of all. What follows is our authoritative ordering of those names.
We’re also listing each young man’s draft position, so that, if you wish, you may verify that, yes, this person exists and lives and breathes among us, thus making us better as a people. We have also taken the liberty of telling you what each evokes within the imagination — i.e., what each name sounds like. We come not to mock, but rather to celebrate.
Now let us begin …
20. Spencer Steer, No. 90, Twins
Sounds like: Only one of the seven Steer boys who wears glasses. Struck by lightning three times, twice during the same fist-fight in eighth grade.
19. A.J. Bumpass, No. 1164, Reds
Sounds like: Key grip for Van Wilder 2.
18. Kona Quiggle, No. 472, Tigers
Sounds like: Four-beat dance style that, contrary to what was previously believed possible, became even more forbidden than the Lambada.
17. Jackxarel Lebron, No. 477, Blue Jays
Sounds like: File name of Russian troll farm meme that will swing more than 150 electoral votes in 2020 election. Saved in a folder that’s misleadingly titled “router settings USA.”
16. Zane Zurbrugg, No. 823, Brewers
Estonian guitar god whose long-running feud with Yngwie Malmsteen culminated in an on-stage longsword battle at the 1987 Montreux Rock Festival. Cracked billboard top 100 in 1989 with single “I’m Your Lava Lover” (vocals by Nate Fassnacht, No. 240, Phillies) off the concept EP “Continent of Falcons.”
15. Hudson Head, No. 84, Padres
Southampton tennis pro who played a tertiary role in 2008 financial crisis by causing infidelity among wives of banking-sector execs.
14. Octavio Corona, No. 1167, Blue Jays
Sounds like: Expert practitioner of the Kona Quiggle. Capable of mass impregnation with hip flexors alone.
13. Joey Lancellotti, No. 1035, Yankees
Sounds like: Host of a FOX reality show called “Sex Castle.” Raphael Pelletier (No. 745, Rangers) will win season one when he’s presented with the Final Lewd Scepter.
12. Trent Tingelstad, No. 666, Mariners
Sounds like: Hobbit who, stature notwithstanding, is a dead ringer for Brodie Croyle. Pledged Sigma Chi under Tom Bombadil.
11. Coleman Crow, No. 841, Angels
Sounds like: Freelance operator of the most reliable skid-mounted pile driver in Tillman County. Can account for whereabouts on no more than 11 nights annually. Fought a tree.
10. Jack Dashwood, No. 361, Angels
Sounds like: Commission-based wearer of gabardine suits and fresh haircuts, both perfectly tousled. Maintains consistent 7-to-1 quality-sales-lead-to-stepson ratio.
9. Fineas Del Bonta-Smith, No. 669, Rockies
Sounds like: Anthropomorphic pear-shaped balloonist otter who wears a double-breasted waistcoat with elongated silhouette and copper buttons and works as an itinerant surgeon.
8. Burle Dixon, No. 529, Royals
Sounds like: Highway patrolman who successfully unfurled the spike strip that disabled Coleman Crow’s 1983 Chevy Impala (V8, 305-ci rated at 150 horsepower) and sent it into a utility pole. He’s by the book, just not the book you’re thinking of.
7. Jaxx Groshans, No. 167, Red Sox
Sounds like: Steam-powered torture device commissioned and favored by Torquemada. Also an acrostic made out of every verified tweet deleted during fiscal year 2017.
6. Rudy Rott, No. 270, Phillies
Sounds like: Urban rodent under three separate federal indictments. Performed spot-on Edward G. Robinson impression so often it became his normal voice.
5. Jared Triolo, No. 72, Pirates
Sounds like: Ewok subcontractor from the outer boroughs. Reliable if not entirely bondable.
4. Ethan Goforth, No. 754, Pirates
Sounds like: Name of protagonist from Nathaniel Hawthorne’s unfinished novel, Darkest Lamentations of the Fallen Pastor: Sinful Sins. In early drafts, every instance of the character’s dialogue was tagged “he gasped,” rather than “he said.”
3. Spencer Brickhouse, No. 212, Diamondbacks
Sounds like: Third-generation bad seed with a customer-loyalty punch-card for every time he brawls at a barn-raising or church.
2. Antoine Mistico, No. 366, Mariners
Sounds like: Similar to Christ in that he was the recipient of a desert vision-question. Dissimilar in that his involved opening a haberdashery in a Bedouin-style villa convenient to a Dubai Ritz-Carlton.
1. Utah Jones, No. 876, Mariners
Sounds like: Model of breech-loading potato cannon popular in Bowlegs, Oklahoma and environs. Legal if you aim low.
Occasionally used in colloquial verb form. “You take care of that’n we talked about?” Randon Hostert (No. 445, Rangers) asked.
“Yup,” said Dalton Stambaugh (No. 888, Orioles) as they both regarded the creek bed. “Utah Jonesed him real good.”
“Did you now?” said a voice from behind. They turned. It was Bear Bellomy (No. 844, Pirates). They turned back to the creek.
“Well,” said Hostert. “Reckon we should settle this for good.”
“That’s my thinking on the matter,” said Bellomy.
Had the water table been higher — high as it usually is in late spring — then it wouldn’t have made such a noise. Things as they were, though, Hostert and Stambaugh heard the echo when Bellomy chambered the first potato.
People, this has been what it has been — nothing less and certainly nothing more.